The Happy Crappy Gamer: BMX XXX

I was late to the party with the original Xbox, I didn’t get mine until 2004 and that was only because a friend was selling his and I really wanted to play Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. I know it’s hard to believe that once upon a time I actually played good games… anyway, after I beat KOTOR, I needed something new to play.  So I walked into my local game store looking for a new game and before long my eyes fixated on BMX XXX.

I heard of BMX XXX before, knew it was pretty much Dave Mirra: Freestyle BMX without the Dave Mirra license, and that worked perfectly because I was a huge fan of the series.  I’ll never forget what the clerk said to me when I went to purchase the game; he looked me dead in the eyes and said, “You know this game sucks right?”  I responded with, “I know,” happily putting my seven bucks on the counter, grabbing my game, and leaving the store with a smile on my face.

Hot salty nut sacks here!

Normally this is the part where I talk about the story of the game, and although BMX XXX doesn’t really have an in-game story, it does have a story to it.  The story goes that Z-Axis developed the previous two installments of the DMFB franchise with Mr. Mirra attached to this one as well, but when he found out that Acclaim, the publisher, was going with the XXX angle he dropped out.  There you are: scantily clad women equal no Dave Mirra.

Come on man, free porn.

BMX XXX mostly gets a bad name because it has XXX in the title and that’s unfortunate because this game is a treasure in the extreme sports world.  What other game lets you create a female rider with brown pigtails, a visor, a short sleeve shirt, gloves, a mini skirt, pink thong (which you can see when you ride and the wind blows), knee high red, white, and blue socks, and some knock off Adidas?  What other game offers cut scenes featuring semi-attractive women taking it off and shaking what their momma gave ’em?  What’s the big deal? Guys can be topless in this game as well; I don’t hear people raising hell about that. And let’s not kid ourselves; these videos are pretty tame. You see more action in PG-13 movies.

You look like you could use a wiener.

Seriously what’s not to like about this game?  This game has some solid gameplay, decent music with custom soundtracks, a ton of tricks, and the occasional, grainy, topless woman.  Nitpickers said the game was too easy, lame, unrealistic, and unoriginal.  I suppose hitting a ramp, doing a double back flip nothing to a peg stall to a x-down to a mega spin to a lip slide to a wall tap to a steamroller, and finishing it off with a 720 tail whip does seem a little too easy or slightly far-fetched. But isn’t that the appeal of video games?

I’m a firm believer that video games should be an escape from reality, so I don’t see what the big deal is when you’re able to wall tap almost any object in the game or you’re able to finish every jump with a peg stall no matter how you were coming down.  I think it’s time everyone just realizes there is no spoon. Once you do that, you’ll be able to see this game in a whole new world: think of it like putting menthol eye drops you got from Japan in your eyes, and now you’re able to see in HD – don’t you dare close your eyes.

Some of my best times in the game were just riding around, listening to my custom soundtrack of The Wu-Tang Clan and trying to get a million points in a single run before my health bar ran down.  It’s a taxing thing to do, requiring a cornucopia of tricks, landing them properly, jumping all the gaps, conquering the in-game challenges, picking up a bunch of monkeys, and most importantly, helping out the hoes, because hoes need help too.

You look like a whore!

It’s funny to me because it seems as you get older, you stop doing the things that brought you joy when you were younger.  Sexual innuendos, fart jokes, and of course chesticles (read: boobs) will always bring me joy. Top that off with some stellar BMX gameplay and you have instant gratification.

Thank you Z-Axis, I proudly salute you for keeping it dirty.

Sincerely,

The Happy Crappy Gamer