The Happy Crappy Gamer: Rogue Warrior

I remember going to my first E3 in 2009 with just my computer and a childlike sense of wonder.  Before long I stumbled upon a booth that I thought was promoting a new Punisher video game.  I was totally pumped; I’ve always enjoyed the comics and the movies but as I got closer I realized the poster wasn’t for the Punisher. Call it fate or call it destiny, but something brought me to that booth that day.  Looking back, it feels like I had a Ray Kinsella moment, except I wasn’t being told to build a baseball field, I was being told “If they make it, you will play.”  So there I was, standing in the middle of the convention center floor, mesmerized by the poster for Rogue Warrior.

Before we go any further I want you to click this link and have it play in the background while you read on.  Also, to help explain the awesomeness of this game, every time you see a word in bold/Italics, it’s an actual line from the Rogue Warrior (or Mickey Rourke) himself.  So, sorry assholes your quiet day at the office is going to get severely fucked up.

I was totally unaware at first that Rogue Warrior was actually based on a real-life person; he should be a national treasure. Richard “Dick” Marcinko is a retired Navy SEAL and was the first commanding officer of SEAL Team Six, the team responsible for the raid that led to the death of Osama Bin Laden.  As for the story of the game, you’re sent to North Korea for a little snoop and poop to retrieve intelligence about a mole that has information about some nuclear missiles. Naturally you find the mole is dead and North Korea is now in possession of said nuclear missiles. After some intelligence gathering you learn the missiles were not of Korean origin but Soviet, and they are currently being smuggled back across the border. The hunt is now on and the prey is the most dangerous enemy known to man: man. Similar to Bryan Mills, Demo Dick also has a particular set of skills that he unleashes on the Soviets, ultimately saving the day, destroying the missiles and asking the age old question who’s the hardest motherfucker around?

Just like the Punisher, Rogue Warrior provides copious amounts of violence and doesn’t let up. I loved running around the level fucking ninja style, performing kill moves on as many of the enemies as I could before I died; my record was fifteen. The kill moves are brutal and performed with your trusty knife. Personal favorites include the repeated stabbing of the kidneys, the quick stab to the neck, and the slice to the back of the leg leading to a stab of the neck. I enjoyed it so much that I beat the game three times on three different difficulty settings in fewer than twelve hours. I hope you assholes like fireworks because the game also offers a handful of guns as well, from suppressed pistols and AK-47’s to M-16’s and sniper rifles. When the action gets a little sketchy, an innovative game mechanic allows you to enter third-person mode when behind cover, which isn’t that bad because I enjoy the challenge of being flanked and not being able to turn fast enough to shoot the enemies that are shooting me.

The true centerpiece of this game, and the part I love the most, is the voice work performed by the legendary Mickey Rourke. You get a quick glimpse in the mission briefing of what’s in store, but the first real experience comes later in the level after you rappel out of a window. Once boots are on the ground, you shoot an enemy or commie and yell “Drop dead motherfucker, you fucking amateurs.” It’s the way he says it, in that grizzled, manly voice that sent shivers down my spine; a true classic was born at that moment. If you clicked the link like I told you then you understand what I’m talking about, but to help drive home the point, I’ve strung together some of my favorite lines.

Happy fucking birthday, I’m going to bring it to them; I’m going to show them what time it is. Looks like a party; come on I got places to go, people to meet. Anybody home? Hey daddy’s here, come on, glad to see me fuckers? Good spot to bring the noise, you morons are going to love this, boom time baby. Kicking ass and taking names. Might be a good time to blow some shit up, anytime, anywhere, anyplace. What the fuck was I doing? Oh yeah fucking shit up. High ho high ho fuckers gonna blow.  Trick or treat. I’m over here fuck face; give me a god damn break. That’s right, nightie night you sweet piece of shit, enjoy the ride cocksuckers, have a nice trip.  

I loved two things about this game and two things only: running around stabbing/shooting people and Mickey Rourke’s voice. Those two alone are worth the price of admission, or at least a second glance when you’re looking in the bargain bin at your local game store. I really think it’s amazing what you can accomplish when you just don’t care what other people think and just do what you want. Thank you, Rebellion, for the memories, for the stabbing, for Mickey’s voice, but more importantly, thank you for tricking me at E3. But if you’ll excuse me now, it’s time to move on; I got bad guys to send to commie heaven.

Sincerely,

The Happy Crappy Gamer