Free Duke Nukem Forever Soundboard for iOS

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To make the wait for Duke Nukem Forever a little more bearable, Gearbox Software has released a free iOS app that hosts 28 Dukeisms from his brandish repertoire. Some gems include: “Tonight you dine in hell,” “I’ve got balls of steel,” and “Rest in pieces.” Jon St. John’s (Duke’s voice actor) bourbon-soaked growl unleashes the giddy 12-year-old in all of us.

Instead of considering this app to be nothing more than a gimmick, I’ve decided to just use the soundboard to communicate with anyone I came across for a full day. Here are the disastrous results:

9:30 a.m. Someone asks me what I had for breakfast and Duke replies “I had eggs for breakfast, your mom had sausage.” Some scowling ensues.

11:37 a.m. Two coworkers who are also roommates are arguing in the hallway. I pass and the Duke says “Yeah, and tell your mom to quit calling me.” The look like they want to kill me. I speedily walk away.

2:30 p.m. Weekly roundtable meeting. I enter the room and the Duke chirps “Anybody mind if I take off my pants?” The room goes quiet. Then everyone returns to work.

6:30 p.m. After a long night in the office, I decide to hit up the local watering hole, where a sultry dame sits down next to me and asks what my interests were. The Duke growls “Two of my favorite past times, drinking…and winning.” She looks at me completely baffled. Letting her soak it in, I decided to go to the pisser.

6:52 p.m. I stand at the urinal and unleash a healthy stream of PBR. “Oh yeah,” croons the Duke. When I return a new guy with a mullet is talking to my special lady. “Hey get lost pal, the king needs his throne,” says Duke. Neither of them batted an eye my way. “Douche,” Duke quipps.

So I’ve learned my lesson. This neat little app has its purpose, but unless you’re the famous red wife-beater wearing, dual magnum welding, juiced-up badass, your sayings don’t carry much merit. Luckily, we can all make out with school girl strippers and blast pig cops with the king on June 10.

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