Script from Uwe Boll Metroid Movie… wait, what?
In the short life of this blog, I’ve already stated my hatred for the man named Uwe Boll. His movies are horrible. So imagine my surprise when I encountered two pages rumored to be from a script for an Uwe Boll directed Metroid movie starring Jessica Simpson. Hey Ebert, does that count as art?
I believe that this must be a sign that the apocalypse is here, and the four horsemen are ready to saddle up. Even worse, the excerpts from the script are not completely horrible, though I’m sure Uwe will find a way to screw it up.
How did this get to this stage without me being aware of it. I’ve seen way too many horrible video game movies, just to feel justified when I call them crap. I have no hope for this being any good, just based on the fact that Uwe Boll, himself, is a horrible sin to the cinematic arts.
First off, Jessica Simpson has little more going for her acting talent than her looks. Put her in Samus’ armor, and that asset is gone. Maybe they’ll find a way to write in the suit from Zero so she can truly show off her “talents.”
As for the script, it isn’t too bad, although you can already see the notes of some moronic producer thinking they should remove the ball ability and just have her run. Here’s a piece:
You’ll never catch me! I’m not going back!
Two missiles zoom toward the camera. The rolling ball zooms between them. The heat ripples from the missiles’ exhaust. One hits a stalactite causing it to crash to the ground. The other veers off screen.
Suddenly the ball jumps up and is closing in fast on running MAN. He turns back and a look of terror forms on his face.
He was right. I would never catch him…
SMASH CUT to SAMUS ARAN unfolding from ball [should we cut this out and have her run instead?] into a towering suit of armor. In the same movement she leaps into the air and falls down hard on the MAN, lunging a sword through his side, and lands kneeling behind him.
The other missile flies into the man, blowing him up — KABOOM![triple underlined good]
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